lillietheblonde

Family…

what makes your family? Is it your friends who have held back your hair when your puking into a toilet bowl, tripping out on weed brownies. Or is it the ones who take you out to dinner just to get out because they cant do it themselves? OR is it your blood relation who birthed you for 8 hrs and now when you owe them money they put you into hard labor at some money sucking flower shop that hasn’t made a dime for itself they day it opened? I choose pot brownies personally….

put pot brownies haven’t talked to me in such along time….you see we used to be good friends. we would run together all the time and talk about how my lover was so great or how he was an ass like all lovers could be. then HE came….HIM the hoe of the world…HE took her from me. my pot brownies were in love with a painter of life. he was so great, but like chocolate, he had sat out too long and when she opened the golden wrapper he was but a flaky piece of old stale chocolate, bitter to the taise and she no longer looked at life the same. She asked herself, “would life always give me golden wrappers and bitter chocolate?” I told her that NO! life was much more than bitter chocolate and golden wrappers, sometimes you get dull old wrappers that are crinkled and ugly but in the end they are the sweetest chocolate you have ever had. they are the chocolate you saver and cant wait to come home to. but pot brownies didn’t believe me, she was stuck. i could tell she was stuck. she liked the golden wrapper, she had thought maybe this was THE ONE! the best chocolate she ever had. Time passed and finally we came together again, but this time she was sad, hollow. we talked about him a little and i talked to her about my lover and how he was turning into such a beautiful thing…i was so happy and excited, i hadn’t felt this way about him for years and now here it was. My life was changing for the better! But Pot Brownies was mad, “we will see…we will see what happens with you and your lover…” she said sarcastically. i got so mad i didn’t want to talk to her, “why would you say that to me? we are friends! we have been together for so long and here you are attacking me and my relationship? look, you cant do that, if you want to be my friend then you have to support me in what ever happens, even though you know it might turn out for better or for worse, you cant say that to hurt me just because you chose something bad and thought maybe it was good. when you were in your relationship i tried to like your artist and even though he was bad i told you that i was there for you and i would try to support you in what ever your decision was. when you asked me what you should do i gave you my honest opinion and you agreed what should happen, but i never told you, YOU MUST DO THIS OR YOU WILL DIE! so when i tell you about how great everything is i just want you to be happy. I’m sorry your relationship didn’t work but you cant hold onto it if you want to get better. it just hurts the people around you. and since then my family has not been here. I just want my family back and even when ive tried to get them back they have gone somewhere else for comfort…so i am left alone.

family isnt a word i put with most of my family. some nights i dream of my mother being hit by a car and what would happen? how would people react? how would she look? i sit back and wonder why would i want her to die in such a horable way? and all i can think of was she isnt a nice person, she is a decietful woman who choses money over her own children. she hates everthing about me and nothing could make her want me, and i truely think it was the day she hit me and i hit back that she wanted me dead. i bet she thought, “how dare you! Im your mother! you cant hit me!” im a fighter and ill always be a fighter…but above all im a thinker and when she comes after me i dig in and hold my ground. she was never meant to be a mother, i can tell, she just likes the idea of kids in her home, it makes her seam less of a monster. but like Dexter i can see the monster in her and no children, dream home, or flower shop can hide that from me.She was never my mother i dont think that word ever fit her quite right. it was life trying to eat a rock, heavy with dout and hatred. Ever since i was little ive always hated her for some reason, i never liked her and it seamed like at some point she was my mother but it was when i was much younger. maybe 5 or 7 or 9? no 9 is too high, it was much younger, i dont know but once my sisters were born i was dead to her. she nolonger loved me as her child but as something else, and ive always resented her for that. then the hitting started…and trying to remember the good has always been harder for me since then. shes always resented me for being mean to my sisters but i never wanted sisters and i dont think i was meant to have sisters either or maybe im just suppost to accept them or something but i do know that before my sisters were born life was simple and easy going and wonderful! we lived in a simple house and i had my best friend next door and nothing was difficult to understand. we were perfict! we could have been a wonderful family but when they came i no longer went on camping trips and we no longer had fun anywere or did anything, i just wanted out. and with this family its not like im with them anymore im just the outsider. they take me to camping trips and such but its never been like it was before and it will never be. i still remember when i got a A in my math class and when ever i got an A my dad would take me out to ice cream to celebrate and instead we just went home. he said, “oh thats great!” that was it, after that my grades took a major dive and nothing seamed to matter to me except theater, that was the one place were i was noticed and every body loved me no matter what. Then he came into my life, Jay….he was so simple and perfict to me. he had the greatest smile and he really liked me and when he said i love you i could actually feel it. i wanted him and he wanted me. we were a match, and since then we have been together, heart and soal. for the last 6 years….but he is the only family i have now…the family that was mine was lost to me when i was 10 and that is it…nothing else. my family no longer saw me and i was lost to them and sometimes my dad and i have a moment but most of the time we aren’t together and i just resent my mom. i hate her for everything she has ever said or done to me. she has never said anything nice to me in a really long time and i don’t want her to. she abandoned me when ivy and daisy were born so i cant really blame her. she had 2 new kids who wanted and needed her, i was just the older one, like the old dog put out into the yard and forgotten about. Sometimes my family is home and i think im so lonely, my family doesn’t talk to me about anything except for money and work. i just want them to ask me what i want my weddings going to look like and what animals i want to raise and what would be the names of my kids. but they don’t see me anymore they just see a leach…a growth on their happy family. whose to say im not a leach? whose to say that i am an Atkinson?